Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I cut my penus on the lid.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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