Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
