That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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