my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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