I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
