I haven't been this sober since birth.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
