I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
