life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
