I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
