im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
