i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
