NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
