He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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