You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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