Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
