Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
