There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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