As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
