I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
i think my cat just said my name.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
