My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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