just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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