Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
