I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
