I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
