So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
