After last night, I could never be a politician.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
