Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
