Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
