Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
