My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Your cock deserves a montage
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
