I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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