I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
