Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
