dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
