I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
