I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
