i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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