even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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