The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
