Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
