Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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