i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
