Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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