i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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