shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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