I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
