i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
