we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
