I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
