I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
