we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
