i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
