I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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