I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
This toilet bowl is my home.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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